It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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