Already got asked if we're dating
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
be right there i have to get my cape
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
