your parents love me but you hate me
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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