HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
