I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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