oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
