I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
