Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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