fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
