Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
