I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
