my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
