The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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