Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
