The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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