if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
