He disabled his match.com account in front of me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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