Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
sex in a hospital.. check
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
