everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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