I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
