i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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