I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
