I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
