this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
