Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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