he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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