come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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