Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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