omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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