Your tits are I can't wait for
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My feet surprised me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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