I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
