I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize