its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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