Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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