i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
