Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
