I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
