if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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