My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
