my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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