Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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