I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
