I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
