Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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