We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
