Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
