at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need water and some morals
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
