she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
