god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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