I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
