You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
