Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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