He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize