Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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