I am puke
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
