New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
