His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
