First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
