Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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