hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
