The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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