Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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