why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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