How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
