see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Randomize
