Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize