Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
