I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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