Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
