I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
